today was the day…
the day i, truly, became a man…
today, i went to the o.b.g.y.n.
(bum, bum, bum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
yep today was our first of many visits to come.
it was just as you’d think; floral printed chairs, awkward moments of silence interrupted by random coughing, and out of date magazines as far as the eye could see!
i, myself, found a lovely copy of ebony magazine’s “sexy issue” featuring kelly rowland and (muh boi) trey songz… so major shout out there…
the moment comes…
they call our names… well, her name…
she pees in a cup, and we’re off!
back to some tiny corner room with some octopus looking computer… the ultrasound thingy…
what an intimidating piece of machinery…
it just sits there staring at you…
and the room is freezing…
guys, tip number one… bring a sweater.
and then there are nurses coming in, asking questions, and asking me, “are you ok?”…
why are they asking me that?…
oh yeah, i forgot to mention, at this point things have gotten very, very… real…
i mean, the news is sinking in.
no more make believing folks, this is the real deal.
at this point my face has lost some color and i’m trying to remember how to breathe.
there’s a shrinking feeling taking over my body, and… wow…
i mean i’m trying my best to give you a real idea of how overwhelmingly scary this all is…
girls, kudos to you, i don’t know how you all can do this so often, and by yourselves…
like i said… boys are wussies.
i mean i was way to panicky to even care that this old guy is assaulting my wife in front of me… (by old guy, i’m talking about the doctor…)
and then… the lights go dim…..
it doesn’t take but a split second, and i’m staring at an image on the screen…
it looks like a little blinking lima bean with noodles shooting out of it…
now i’m not one for cussing… and to be honest, i don’t even remember this… but at that moment, the magnitude of the situation must have taken over, processed through my brain and all that my mouth could come up with was a whispered, “holy sh!t”…
how incredible. before this moment that baby, basically, only existed in our heads… and then, there he/she was… not really staring back at us… i think it was asleep… but there it was!
you know that moment in jaws where brody sees the shark for the first time, and the cigarette barely hangs on to his open mouth and he gives that famous line we all love to quote?
that’s what it felt like.
awe, shock, amazement and fear, all rolled into one.
“you’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
so these are the most common questions i’ve been getting so far, and my honest responses to them.
1. ARE YOU EXCITED?
can i say no, without people thinking i’m a tool?…
no, i’m not “excited”.
heather, my wife, is.
i’m super thrilled about it, and given the opportunity to be or not to be expecting, i’d definitely choose to be… but “excited” is the wrong word. i’m fairly confident that’ll change once we get deeper in to the pregnancy and see the baby on ultrasound and hear the heartbeat, but for the moment i’m just really happy.
and that is a very unusual question to me…
i mean, i would compare it to you asking me now, in june, if i’m excited about christmas. i mean, yeah i like christmas… but so far in the year i haven’t lost any sleep from being too excited about it…
no i’m not excited. i’m delighted.
2. WAS IT EXPECTED?
do you know that couples try for months and sometimes years to get pregnant?
it is a process.
and we weren’t even really “trying”
granted, we weren’t doing everything to stop it from happening…
but i never thought to mark it down on the calender, because “this was the time”…
it just happened.
3. DO YOU WANT A BOY? OR GIRL?
if you ask a girl this question, you’re going to get an answer every time… guys… who knows?
i want one of each… eventually. so it makes no difference, to me, which one we check off our list first.
with a boy… i mean, i don’t even have to come up with full sentences to tell you what’s cool about having a boy…
cowboys. cops and robbers. leggos. t-ball. dinosaurs. robots. power rangers. ect… and i do have to mention, that their pajamas are infinitely cooler than girl pajamas. i mean, capes and everything. so cool!
on the other hand, with a girl… there’s the whole cute and cuddly factor.
a friend of mine told me that a daughter will “steal your soul”… which i don’t think he meant to be as scary as it sounds…
i think what he meant, was that a daughter get’s you “wrapped around her finger”, she’s someone for you to protect, she’s your princess.
i get it.
i feel that way about my niece, for sure. she’s one year old, and already a heart breaker.
there are definitely pros for each gender…
honestly though, i just want a healthy baby. i don’t really care what it is.
4. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO NAME IT?
true story… my name was supposed to be “ryan patrick jones”… heavy on the irish catholic, i know.
my parents were trusting, and i guess a little naive, and they shared that name with another pregnant couple they knew. and a few months before i was born, “ryan patrick”… some other kid was born, “ryan patrick”…
that kids parents stole my name!
i know, right?
so anyways, that story has kind of made me a little cautious of “name sharing” before i actually have all the forms filled… paranoid? maybe. just blame ryan patrick.
for the time being, heather and i have been calling it “lightning jermaine jones”… guaranteeing it to be the fastest baby that ever lived!
5. ARE YOU READY TO BE A DAD?
well, of all the scary, lousy, thought provoking, keep you up at night questions to ask… NO!
of course not!
and they always put the emphases on “you”…
are YOU ready to be a dad?
c’mon, i can train to be an astronaut my whole life, but the second that rocket kicks on and we start lifting, the only thing going through my head will be “what the heck was i thinking? i’m going into space?”
… and that example’s a little more negative than having a baby, but my point is this; i can prepare as much as i want to be a dad… but i’m never going to be ready.
i’m thinking it’s going to be one of those “learn as you go” kind of things.
encouraging, i know.
betcha can’t guess what my favorite flavor of chex mix is…
if you guessed “peanut lover’s” the answer is no… i’m allergic to peanuts…
… but if you guessed “bold party blend” then you’re correct! great job there, friend!
here’s a follow up question for you… guess which flavor of chex mix has reduced my poor pregnant wife to dry heaving just from the smell?… any takers?… hmmm?…
if you guessed “peanut lover’s” again… you’re an idiot!
… but if you guessed “bold party blend” you are correct once again! hooray for you!
yes, it seems that i’ve angered some chex mix deity out there somewhere somehow, and now he’s taking his revenge on me by causing my wife’s nose to implement a “no eating of the bold party blend chex mix within smelling distance” rule (or the “banished blend rule” as i’ve just decided it will come to be known)
and you’re saying, “come on austin…”
(my name is austin by the way… hi)
“come on austin, it’s not that bad, all you have to do is get to a place where she can’t smell it… stop being such a selfish, insensitive, wimp-of-a-husband and just leave the room”
to which i reply,”hey, not cool calling me out in my own blog like that. who do you think you are?”
and then i’d say, “besides, leaving the room is not enough, you’d think it would be… but it’s not”
it’s true, i’ve actually gone outside a time or two, just so i could indulge in the fun and flavorful goodness of the “b.p.b” and yes, it was totally worth it.
but what the heck is going on with that nose of my wifes?
is she fo real? or is this all one big exaggeration and her taking advantage of the whole being pregnant thing?
actually fellas… it’s the first.
and estrogen is the hormone we’re going to blame it on here.
the increase in hormone levels, during pregnancy, can cause some women to have sense of smell that will rival most shepherds.
(the dog breed, not the sheep watchers)
scientists have actually, done a several month long study on dogs, and found that their nose can be over 100,000 times as powerful as a humans.
and i did about a twelve second study on my own thoughts about a pregnant womans smelling ability, and found that her nose can be about 250,000 times stronger than a dogs nose! which if you do the math… is… 350,000 times stronger than a non-pregnant humans nose!
all true…. look it up.
so men, what can we do to avoid sending our better halves into a dry heaving frenzy?
i’m glad you asked, way to show some initiative!
here’s a list of things/ smells to avoid:
4. morning breath (how do you avoid it? figure out a way)
5. the produce section at the grocery store
6. gasoline or gas that comes out of any hole in your body
8. that cologne she used to love you wearing
9. wet dogs
10. that creepy guy at work that doesn’t bathe and coincidentally likes to give out “free hugs”… don’t you dare let him rub his dirty scent off on you and then take it home to your lady. shame on you.
that should help in getting you started… good luck.
and remember, in case you make some smelly mistake in the future; get her fake flowers and non-scented candles.
(anything else i should add to the list?)
ok fellas, here’s another fun little tid bit you might not know…
while your wife/ girlfriend/ whatever, is becoming more knocked-up, there are all these changes happening on the inside of her body right? well one of them is called progesterone…
c’mon and say that with me “pro-gest-er-one”… good… good…
progesterone isn’t anything new to her body. it’s been there the whole time, being produced by her good ole ovaries. progesterone is a hormone, that helps with fertility and regulating her monthly cycle. it helps prevent osteoporosis, and it also helps her brain and immune system. not bad.
then as she gets pregnant her body starts producing more, the further along she gets. it’s major role is keeping her body healthy during the pregnancy process, but it does a few other helpful things on top of that… such as; reducing anxiety (hallelujah!), making her sleepy, and giving her that famous “preggo-appetite” we’ve heard so much about.
now, right about now you’re saying to yourself, “hey, i like this progesterone cat. he’s alright in my book. i think i might even invite him to my birthday party”…
hold on… there’s one more thing that progesterone does…
progesterone slows down a womans digestive system. so all that guacamole, and broccoli, all those tacos, all the bolthouse smoothies, all those cheddar filled hot dogs, pringles, the frosty’s from wendy’s and the fries from burger king get dumped into a big ole pot with the oven on simmer and they sit there forever and stew…
what does this mean for you?
it means for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacktime you’re getting ladled up a hearty serving of gassy wife. bon appetite.
and these aren’t the cute little humming farts she used to let out. you know, the ones that almost sang to you?
nope, those are gone.
now she’s dropping bombs left and right, vibrating the couch and laying waste to all the “personal records” you had bragged about for all these years. you know what i’m talking about men? those glory farts you keep in your trophy case, and you pull em out when you feel like impressing your friends?… forget them… they’re nothing… they’re pathetic…
it’s intimidating, actually… i think of it like one of those “fast and the furious” movies. you’ll pull up next to her, rev your engine a bit, thinking you’re showing her something she’ll be impressed by… and then she squeals her tires and burns out of there leaving you in a cloud of smoke wondering what the heck just happened?…
men, prepare to be humbled.
… but take heart! all is not lost! while she’s scaring you under the covers with her fiery flatulents, i have something for you that will help “pass” the time… a kind of “breaking wind bingo” if you will… see if you can check them all off your list:
1. the alarm fart
2. the beefy fart
3. the bun-buster
4. the escape pod
5. the fudgey
6. the g.n.l. or (gambled and lost) fart
7. the growler
8. the hydrated flatulent or (wet fart)
9. the “not now!” fart
10. the on the spot fart
11. the prelude to a poopie fart
12. the silent but deadly
13. the squeaker
14. the squealer
15. the stalker
16. the talker
17. the tandem fart (these are the farts that go back to back so closely you can’t really classify them as separate farts)
18. the t.r.s or (trouser ripping special)
19. the tub fart (a.k.a. underwater fart)
20. the windy fart
21. the whopper
22. the worryer (that’s the one that keeps you in suspense until you can get home and check)
some of these you might not be completely familiar with… but trust me, when you hear em… you’ll know;)
so remember kids, if your “lady friend” has a bun in the oven, keep an eye and an ear out for your dear friend mr. progesterone… he’ll be making an appearance shortly.
guys, i feel i need to prepare you for something.
something kind of big…
you might not ever be completely ready for it…
but the more time you have to prepare yourself the better…
see, it’s come to my attention, there are some of you operating under the delusion that girls only pee…
or that they don’t even do that…
and i hate to be the bully on the playground that tells you santa doesn’t exist… but he doesn’t… and girls pee… and girls poop too.
doesn’t it feel better knowing the truth?
don’t worry, it will eventually.
you’ll find, as i have, your wife/ baby-momma’s personality traits are going to change much quicker than her body does (now, whether this is due to hormones or its all in her head, we’ll never know… but i am not going to be the one to find out)
one of these changes will be her suddenly feeling the need to inform you of anything/ everything that happens to her in the bathroom… everything…
yes, that shy southern belle, who left the room to break even the most elegant of winds, is gone… and in her place stands a loud mouthed newsie on the street corner screaming “extree, extree, read all about it!” declaring the news of her most recent bowel movement to the world!
… ok, maybe not to the world, but the things she’s going to share with you are definitely going to shake up your world.
now, i’m going going to get a bit technical, so bear with me.
the male brain is not built to withstand such concentrated doses of Female-Overshare-Of-Doodie or “F.O.O.D”. In fact, studies have actually shown that too much F.O.O.D can actually result in a serious condition in men known as Cerebral-Relapse-And-Paralysis or “C.R.A.P”.
and my friends, there is absolutely nothing funny about C.R.A.P. even the most determined of men can get taken down by their C.R.A.P. the loved ones of these men also have a hard time with their C.R.A.P. many families have tried together, to conquer the C.R.A.P. but before they know it, it’s wrecked ’em.
just to sum it up for you; too much F.O.O.D will result in C.R.A.P.
sad, i know.
but enough is enough!
there is a new movement rising, and we’re taking a stand against C.R.A.P.
we are : Clever-Lads-Ending-Negative-Crap-Hearing… or C.L.E.N.C.H.
we don’t have to C.R.A.P. everytime they give us F.O.O.D.! we’re not helpless! we have a choice!
join me in this movement! together we can say no to C.R.A.P. and yes to the C.L.E.N.C.H.!
which will you choose?
i choose to C.L.E.N.C.H.!