ok fellas, here’s another fun little tid bit you might not know…
while your wife/ girlfriend/ whatever, is becoming more knocked-up, there are all these changes happening on the inside of her body right? well one of them is called progesterone…
c’mon and say that with me “pro-gest-er-one”… good… good…
progesterone isn’t anything new to her body. it’s been there the whole time, being produced by her good ole ovaries. progesterone is a hormone, that helps with fertility and regulating her monthly cycle. it helps prevent osteoporosis, and it also helps her brain and immune system. not bad.
then as she gets pregnant her body starts producing more, the further along she gets. it’s major role is keeping her body healthy during the pregnancy process, but it does a few other helpful things on top of that… such as; reducing anxiety (hallelujah!), making her sleepy, and giving her that famous “preggo-appetite” we’ve heard so much about.
now, right about now you’re saying to yourself, “hey, i like this progesterone cat. he’s alright in my book. i think i might even invite him to my birthday party”…
hold on… there’s one more thing that progesterone does…
progesterone slows down a womans digestive system. so all that guacamole, and broccoli, all those tacos, all the bolthouse smoothies, all those cheddar filled hot dogs, pringles, the frosty’s from wendy’s and the fries from burger king get dumped into a big ole pot with the oven on simmer and they sit there forever and stew…
what does this mean for you?
it means for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacktime you’re getting ladled up a hearty serving of gassy wife. bon appetite.
and these aren’t the cute little humming farts she used to let out. you know, the ones that almost sang to you?
nope, those are gone.
now she’s dropping bombs left and right, vibrating the couch and laying waste to all the “personal records” you had bragged about for all these years. you know what i’m talking about men? those glory farts you keep in your trophy case, and you pull em out when you feel like impressing your friends?… forget them… they’re nothing… they’re pathetic…
it’s intimidating, actually… i think of it like one of those “fast and the furious” movies. you’ll pull up next to her, rev your engine a bit, thinking you’re showing her something she’ll be impressed by… and then she squeals her tires and burns out of there leaving you in a cloud of smoke wondering what the heck just happened?…
men, prepare to be humbled.
… but take heart! all is not lost! while she’s scaring you under the covers with her fiery flatulents, i have something for you that will help “pass” the time… a kind of “breaking wind bingo” if you will… see if you can check them all off your list:
1. the alarm fart
2. the beefy fart
3. the bun-buster
4. the escape pod
5. the fudgey
6. the g.n.l. or (gambled and lost) fart
7. the growler
8. the hydrated flatulent or (wet fart)
9. the “not now!” fart
10. the on the spot fart
11. the prelude to a poopie fart
12. the silent but deadly
13. the squeaker
14. the squealer
15. the stalker
16. the talker
17. the tandem fart (these are the farts that go back to back so closely you can’t really classify them as separate farts)
18. the t.r.s or (trouser ripping special)
19. the tub fart (a.k.a. underwater fart)
20. the windy fart
21. the whopper
22. the worryer (that’s the one that keeps you in suspense until you can get home and check)
some of these you might not be completely familiar with… but trust me, when you hear em… you’ll know;)
so remember kids, if your “lady friend” has a bun in the oven, keep an eye and an ear out for your dear friend mr. progesterone… he’ll be making an appearance shortly.